Do you realize how powerful you are? YOU have the power to change your child. Or at the very least, change how your child responds to you. Many parents stress about the way their child acts and wonder why, failing to realize that they hold the key! You can change your child's attitude or responses by first changing YOURS.
Did you know that there are FOUR different styles of parenting? Each is defined enough that we have names for them and can be identified easily by certain characteristics. There are two that are more common, and most parents identify with one of the other. One is authoritarian and the other is authoritative. They sound pretty similar don't they? Let's see which one you are.
Authoritarian parents have high expectations of their children (i.e. expecting a two year old to sit quietly for a long period of time), demand automatic respect (i.e. "because I said so" or "because I'm mom/dad"), expect automatic obedience (i.e."it's my way or the highway"), and feel the need to be in control of every aspect of their child's life. It sounds intense, and you might say right away that this is NOT you at all! But think about your interactions with your child...you might find that this is all too familiar.
Authoritative parents are not passive by any means. Just because they don't quite "lay down the law" like authoritarian parents, doesn't mean that they don't desire the same outcomes. We all want our children to respect us, to listen to us, and to behave appropriately. What is different with authoritative parents is the way they go about getting those results. Authoritative parents also have limits and rules, the difference is that they take the time to explain the REASONS for those rules. The rules/limits are CLEAR and appropriate for the age of the child. They give their children choices and allow them some control. They listen to their children and acknowledge them. The child in turn, feels heard and respected. They understand the reason for the rule and are more likely to follow it. I have always felt that respect is a two way street. Respect is never just granted, I feel it has to be earned (to be TRUE respect). To be earned, it also has to be given. This is true in any relationship. Why is it suddenly different when that relationship is between an adult and a child?
Authoritarian parenting results in opposition, defiance, and rebellion. Like that three year old that talks back to you and tells YOU no, making your blood pressure go up. Authoritative parenting results in a mutually respectful relationship with considerably less conflict. Disclaimer: your child WILL still test their boundaries. They are going to do it I promise. But it's just that, a test. Will you pass? Can you keep your own emotions under control and focus on your response? Keep at it, stay consistent with your reasons and reinforce your clear expectations.
It sounds pretty clear which parenting style is more effective right? That doesn't mean one is any easier than the other. It is MUCH easier to tell your child "no" and "because I said so". It's so much easier to be stressed and angry instead of trying to understand why your child is screaming in the middle of Target. What I hope you realize is that if you want your child's behavior or attitude to change, the first thing you have to do is change your own.
Think about a conflict you had with your child today (I'm sure you had at least one!). How did you respond? Did you tell them NO without explaining why? Did you get upset because they weren't listening to you?
Tomorrow, take the opportunity to really pay attention to your kids. Try to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Acknowledge it. Label it. Don't dismiss it. Just because your child is, well, a child, does not make them any less of a person than you are. Think about how YOU would feel in their situation. Honestly. Do it.
